where I lost myself.

As a kid I can remember my family traveling to different places, and when we returned back home my mom would say that she needs a vacation after the trip. I laughed, because we had just gone on “vacation”, but now I get it.

When you travel you lose something, if you do it right. 

You lose the wide-self focused-living situations by sleeping in bunk beds with 14 other people to a room, sleeping pads in someones living room, shared beds in the middle of a kitchen.  

You lose the automatics of using a sink to brush you teeth, flushing toilet paper down the toilet, nearby grocery story, USA outlets, the English language. 

You lose unpacking and getting comfortable into drawers or closet space; by living out of a suitcase style backpack or packing cubes that always make your clothes smell. 

You lose a washing machine most places, and realize that your clothes will never truly smell the same. Literally never.

You lose your workout schedule; full days of emotional/spiritual care is more of a marathon than you ever knew. 

You lose your choice on what to eat; based on food prices and budget, respecting the culture by always finishing your plate…multiple sometimes, or the time of day you eat. 

You lose a lot when you decide to pick up and go somewhere. Anywhere. 

But the gain; it is His. 

It makes me think of Jesus’ call to the disciples in Luke 9. He is laying out what it would tangibly look like for them to follow Him; including the abandonment of their things. Letting go of the Sonicare toothbrush or the hair straightener, or quitting my dream job in the PICU. Letting go of it, to then pick up my cross with Him. 

 Some people look at my instagram, facebook, youtube, maybe even this blog and see what they want to see. A gal traveling the world, seeing the THINGS, and having a blast. So much “social gain”… but the reality is it hasn’t been. Sure, it has been fun and allowed for some incredible pictures, stories, experience…

…but what is it to gain all these things that sit around us in the world, but lose ourselves in the process? 

 

And he said to all , “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeit himself? Luke 9:23-25. 

I see how this year has been a challenge to walk this out. To deny myself daily in these new places, these new faces, and the new spaces I GET to call home. The choice to follow you is not easy, and the loss has been evident. BUT, the gain? It seems complicated and backwards… but truly it is simple. 

Jesus, I see you in a new way, unlike what I ever expected or hoped was possible. I can BE, I can let GO, I can LIVE, I can experience the beauty of the world and the people around me in a new way. 

… and I would do it all over again. 

 

xoxo 

 

d. 

 

t-minus 6 days until return to US of A.