covid.

So… how does one mentally prepare for the World Race when they are knee deep in the mess of what Covid still is? The hardship, the mental weight, the literal war-zone. 

I am an ICU RN, and on an ordinary day and an ordinary year; I am specifically a  Pediatric ICU or Pediatric Cardiac ICU RN. I fell in love with the unit here in Salt Lake City from the moment I stepped foot in it. From capstone student to new grad nurse; I cannot imagine working anywhere else… or at least I never thought I would. 

Yet… this is different. Times are different. 

Kids aren’t getting sick, masks seem to have eradicated the ordinary insanity that respiratory season and RSV/Bronchiolitis typically deliver. So, job security is a little weird for our unit as a whole. We are seeing our unit filled with 6-8 patients rather than 15-20. With the low census they asked for volunteers to float to the adult units, and me being the person that I am I immediately said yes. Not realizing, or recognizing the magnitude of what stood behind those anteroom doors. 

At the time I submitted my deposit to The World Race, I had not spent any time in the  COVID ICU. I knew COVID didn’t hold back on how it impacted world travel, and I could imagine it impacting this mission as well. That was honestly my narrow perspective to it. Effect on travel, not the immense effect on souls. 

Yet, here I am now… only four months later of COVID ICU work; wanting to call my soul shattered, but left with this feeling that seems melodramatic to say. However it isn’t really that far off. Unless you work in the unit, it is impossible to explain the reality that these nurses live in. This inability to talk or explain it to our loved ones or closest friends, causes these flashes of isolation and tucking things under the rug. 

Again, and again, and again. 

Until you break… ayoooo happened to me last week. 

I needed it though. I knew it was coming, but avoided it until ultimately I was in my “safe place” and broke down. Finally allowing myself to cry without trying to pinpoint or explain why I was crying, which is what I often try to do. Explain my emotions… but here I simply cried. I cried for the families, for the patients, for the other nurses that have dealt with this for a year now, and for myself. 

This isn’t the most encouraging blog I realize… but it is the reality that I am living in as God prepares me for whatever may come with The World Race. I don’t want to miss Him, and with the weight of all of this… I realize that I can’t do a moment without Him. 

“and in those situations where my strength or skill is not enough to aid or save, when loss or harm proves irreparable, let me neither rage against you nor against my own limits, O’ Lord, but let me instead find humility to trust your sovereignty, and to comfort others however I can” Every Moment Holy; Volume I

So, I am taking this moment to be fully transparent. Things are heavy right now, but they won’t be forever. God is waking up some things for me right now with this “pre race” time. I have faith in the abundance here. I have faith in the army that He is bringing forward to support myself and my team for the future. 

Have faith with me here. There’s a surplus on the horizon.